The night breeze caressed and massaged my existence...

I have stayed up late in so many cities…..so many cities with foreign sounds and smells, but the cool night breeze that refreshes my senses is always the same. You know that feeling, when the world is still moving and buzzing- but you are caught in a moment of personal stillness when you can hear your life be…?

I experience this sentiment far too infrequently, due to my own ambivalence and motivation to keep busy. I first felt this in the panhandle of Texas during my last summer there before I moved onto bigger things. I had deeply connected, for the first time, with some of my first closest friends. We would stay up late lying on our driveways looking at the big Texas sky at night. The stars really did go on forever there. The sky felt bigger in Texas. The reality was that the towns were small enough to not pollute the sky so that one could really feel the fact that we are a part of a larger universe—forever expanding, just as we do as individuals over our lifetime.

The next place that I felt this was on still nights along the southern California shoreline with my best friend, Cameron. I remember seeing the waves light up in neon greenish blue lights as they broke along the shore. We thought that only he and I could see this happening, when actually, everyone could-- so long as they took the time to watch the water swell towards us. The phenomenon is due to red tide that washed phytoplankton in at certain times of the year, but strangely, we didn’t sense the typical, foul smell. That night, I felt that I was alone with him on the face of this earth. It was us and the stars and the breeze and the ominous moonlight that kept us in existence…figuratively speaking.

Later, I moved to Venezuela where it was man against man against nature. I found myself sheltered and felt an immense connection with my environmental surroundings. I would exercise for hours and spend days out on the boat among the islands and fish. The earth felt like one organism, swimming around me and inviting me in to join her. I had a terrace adjacent to my bedroom, and I would often step out to watch the clouds and stars change throughout the nights and year. Life was simple due to its environment and complicated thanks to the politics. However, the nature often won and enveloped me with comfort in its sovereignty.

After high school, I started university in the heart of Texas at Baylor, where it was very much like the Panhandle…still…open…quiet….boring?? I think I pulled close to a hundred all-nighters there…I would find the grand excuse to study with friends in the living room with breaks for spice tea and breaks outside to smoke cigarettes. When friends weren’t available, I found solace and company at Denny’s, where the coffee and toast never ended and I would step outside with the soundtrack of Interstate Highway 35 whizzing by while I took drags of Turkish Silver blend cigarettes and made small talk with other lonesome diners. I could write a book about my evenings/mornings at Denny’s.

In 2007, I studied abroad in Rome and traveled throughout Italy. I visited Barcelona, Mallorca, and Hvar, Croatia with my best friend Margaret. We met people, we strolled, we skinny-dipped and drove dinghy’s topless……we drank a lot of grappa and dined out with strange Italian men and smoked cigarettes outside nightclubs full of phonies. We did all sorts of crazy things…we even stayed up late enough studying to watch the sun come up from our via cleonia apartment and watched the streetlamps turn off…it was a sight to see….(sarcasm)

Tonight, I found myself standing in my black nightgown on my lower terrace, staring off into the night sky and listening to the Australian animals around me. Here in Brisbane, opossums are commonly found in the suburban trees…..trees like mine. They grunt and scurry and jump from limb to rooftop…and then you’ll see a bat flap by quick enough for you to notice the garden spiders reweaving its web on the neighbors blooming trees. It is certainly another foreign country…but the stillness in my moment with the sky has been the same no matter where I have gone or lived….I am still alone in the universe, realizing my individuality and sense of self. I was able to take in the essence of the moment of the breeze slipping over my skin and through my hair—so intimate and near to me.. I felt that air revive my lungs and give me oxygen to think and reflect. I pray that I will find more moments to cherish and to feel…after all, life without feeling is a life without true experience and opulence.

Changes and Scrutiny Tend to Go Hand in Hand

I have come to realize, more than ever, a quality about myself that I do not particularly like, and I am not sure what to do about it...so here I am to think about this quirk in my disposition of insecurity.

I am fully aware that almost everyone who has access to view my Facebook profile can also click on the link to this blog...and then they can read whatever I write- or choose to move on in disinterest. I am also aware that anyone who has access to the internet has the possibility to stumble upon this blog, but those chances are slight, since I make rare postings and I write about no subject in particular from which to win a "Google result." The point I was building up to is this: I am afraid of being scrutinized and criticized by my peers.

I know that this does not single me out in some strange, unearthly category of human insecurities, but this is a very new (or so I thought it was new) and unwelcomed insecurity that I didn't know that I had...until recently.

I am more specifically fearful that someone will criticize my writings and reflections on life more than I myself criticize them. I do not take myself incredibly serious because I recognize my youth and that I have much to learn and to improve upon. So, I suppose that this post is somewhat of a premise on which to base all future posts. I am simply exericizing my ability to write down thoughts, practice critical thinking, and connect with humans on common topics and conditions of humanity. These topics have yet to be written about, but they will come...

As of now, with a new year and along with most of the civilized world, I have made certain decisions with which to start out the new year to improve my life with organization, intentional living, and goals to accomplish by mid-year. To further emphasize my adamant belief in the importance of goals and sticking to them, I have just spent the better part of a day watching movies, cooking, and day dreaming.....three things that are not on my list of things to improve myself. While I had a beautiful, leisurely day, I would have loved to go on my run, research a bit online for grad schools, and catch up with a friend for a coffee.

I think that my lack of determination to accomplish a few, simple daily tasks is because my mind is overwhelmed with scattered, incomplete thoughts on where I could be in a few years. Paris comes to my mind quite quickly, and then New York or Boston, tucked away near a fireplace, a stack of books, and either a hot mug of Swiss Miss with marshmallows or a short glass of bourbon...(quite different beverages, I know).....I see myself in all three places, keeping up with my ultimate goal of getting a graduate degree in ******TBD****** and working at an institution of art to pay the bills and to keep up notoriety in the art world. I could also do all of those things here, in Australia...Regardless, geography is totally contingent on finance, visas, and opportunities. Right now, my opportunities rest in the Southern Hemisphere.

2009 was a year of changes. My life completely changed about eight months ago, and I cannot wait to see where life will keep me or take me in the next eight months.