Changes and Scrutiny Tend to Go Hand in Hand

I have come to realize, more than ever, a quality about myself that I do not particularly like, and I am not sure what to do about it...so here I am to think about this quirk in my disposition of insecurity.

I am fully aware that almost everyone who has access to view my Facebook profile can also click on the link to this blog...and then they can read whatever I write- or choose to move on in disinterest. I am also aware that anyone who has access to the internet has the possibility to stumble upon this blog, but those chances are slight, since I make rare postings and I write about no subject in particular from which to win a "Google result." The point I was building up to is this: I am afraid of being scrutinized and criticized by my peers.

I know that this does not single me out in some strange, unearthly category of human insecurities, but this is a very new (or so I thought it was new) and unwelcomed insecurity that I didn't know that I had...until recently.

I am more specifically fearful that someone will criticize my writings and reflections on life more than I myself criticize them. I do not take myself incredibly serious because I recognize my youth and that I have much to learn and to improve upon. So, I suppose that this post is somewhat of a premise on which to base all future posts. I am simply exericizing my ability to write down thoughts, practice critical thinking, and connect with humans on common topics and conditions of humanity. These topics have yet to be written about, but they will come...

As of now, with a new year and along with most of the civilized world, I have made certain decisions with which to start out the new year to improve my life with organization, intentional living, and goals to accomplish by mid-year. To further emphasize my adamant belief in the importance of goals and sticking to them, I have just spent the better part of a day watching movies, cooking, and day dreaming.....three things that are not on my list of things to improve myself. While I had a beautiful, leisurely day, I would have loved to go on my run, research a bit online for grad schools, and catch up with a friend for a coffee.

I think that my lack of determination to accomplish a few, simple daily tasks is because my mind is overwhelmed with scattered, incomplete thoughts on where I could be in a few years. Paris comes to my mind quite quickly, and then New York or Boston, tucked away near a fireplace, a stack of books, and either a hot mug of Swiss Miss with marshmallows or a short glass of bourbon...(quite different beverages, I know).....I see myself in all three places, keeping up with my ultimate goal of getting a graduate degree in ******TBD****** and working at an institution of art to pay the bills and to keep up notoriety in the art world. I could also do all of those things here, in Australia...Regardless, geography is totally contingent on finance, visas, and opportunities. Right now, my opportunities rest in the Southern Hemisphere.

2009 was a year of changes. My life completely changed about eight months ago, and I cannot wait to see where life will keep me or take me in the next eight months.